What do you think when someone mentions polygamy or the notion of having more than one wife? Are you disgusted, think it’s cool or just don’t get it at all? Islamic polygamy, or more precisely polygyny, is simultaneously vilified, fantasized about, misunderstood and hotly debated. I use the term 'Islamic' polygyny because just as there are all manner and type of marriage and intimate relationship configurations that humans practice, there are also different forms of polygyny or marriage to more than one wife.

This is where a lot of misunderstanding from non-Muslims comes in. People tend to lump all forms of poly together, but it’s far from accurate to do so. For example, Mormon polygyny is different from Islamic doctrine, which is distinct from some tribal customs in parts of Africa and Asia. The biggest distinction is that Muslims who are in polygynous marriages are supposed to follow clearly prescribed guidelines about how many wives are allowed (4), how they must be treated (equal in all respects) and the status they must be afforded (fully supported wife as opposed to mistress or concubine). What most people don’t understand is that within Muslim communities, polygyny is subjected to vigorous debate and examination. Some people see it as anachronistic relic that is no longer necessary, as the conditions that made it necessary historically (war, not enough responsible men, etc.) are no longer critical problems. Others wonder how men and women with an individualistic orientation to love could be expected to handle such an arrangement (i.e., fairness, sharing partners, finances, integrating families).

On the other hand, some men and women see it as a viable marriage option that is divinely sanctioned and shouldn’t be restricted just because it rattles modern sensibilities about love, intimacy and marriage. Another stereotype about polygyny is that only foreign Muslims practice it - that is, people “over there” in the Middle East and Africa. Many would be surprised to know that a number of indigenous Muslims in America practice polygyny. In the African American Muslim community, in particular, many men and women see polygyny as a legitimate solution to the problem of limited marriage prospects for women, especially divorcees, widows and single mothers. From what I’ve read it is also increasing among Western Muslims in other countries (the U.K., France) and being revived in places such as Malaysia and Indonesia based on similar arguments that it benefits women and society. Many folks oppose the practice – as well as the emphasis on women needing to get married, period - on feminist grounds, viewing polygynous marriages as an inherent assault on women’s well-being, autonomy, dignity and financial security. Indeed the debate is global, as there has been a push to outlaw polygyny in several Muslim majority countries.

Then, there are the non-Muslim polygyny sympathizers. These are usually men who don’t know much about it but who fantasize with envy about the multiple women they imagine that a Muslim man can bag. And, of course, culture plays a major role in individual attitudes toward polygyny and how it is viewed in society. For example, in some West African countries there is a long cultural legacy of polygyny that makes it an acceptable marriage option with little stigma, even if it is only practiced by a minority of the population. Even with that legacy, many younger generation West African Muslims are moving away from the practice, citing the changing demands of modern versus traditional lifestyles as well as the financial and family problems witnessed with polygyny in their parents’ generation. In fact, only about 10-15% of Muslim marriages worldwide are polygynous.

Let us correct a few misconceptions. Polygyny is NOT a requirement for Muslims. It is simply a marriage practice that is halal or allowed in Islam. Polygyny doesn’t involve a man having harems of women or wild orgies between groups of people. Actually, polygyny’s roots in Islam actually stem from a directive in the Holy Qur’an that limits the number of wives that a man can have, as it was common practice during the historical period of revelation that men would take many wives without regard for their responsibilities for them or the wives’ rights. In Surah 4, Ayat 3 of the Qur’an it is stated, "And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].” Some Muslims take that last part – but if you fear that you will not be just, then marry only one - to mean that Allah is guiding us away from polygyny because there is really no way that they can all be treated equally and justly.

As you can see, the debate is complex indeed. But, there is nothing as tangible as a personal story to help us understand the issue in more human terms. I recently had a fascinating interview with a beautiful sister-friend, Naima, who is actually in a polygynous marriage. She gave a poignant inside glimpse into the joys, challenges and reactions she experiences being married to a man who also has another wife. Read on for more insight and an insider’s perspective into a life that not many people, at least in the U.S., know about or witness.

Nicole Montiero: How long have you been married? Did you marry into a polygamous marriage or did your husband take another spouse after you were already married?

Naima: My husband and I have been married for 10 years but have known each other well over 20 years. We met each other in 1991 in college and dated then for 5 years. Due to differences in culture (he Senegalese, me African American) and religion (I was a devout Christian and reverted to Islam upon marriage in 2002), I was afraid. He then began to receive pressure from his family to marry me and I wanted to break up. Shortly afterwards, he married a girl from his tribe whom his family arranged.

Explain your understanding of polygyny in Islam and why it exists within the religion. How is polygyny as practiced in Islam different from someone having side girlfriends, flings or even the stereotypical notion of Arab harems?

I thank Allah and his Holy Qur'an for the allowance of polygyny in our community because without it, my husband and I would not 'be' and I would not have been given a second chance to spend my life and procreate with him. For others I would say that the system was put in place for a man to enjoy the likings of more than one companion without being unrighteous. With that said, women are allowed to have more dignity and respect and also make excellent use of her time when it is not her 'day' with her husband. She is able to better prepare, get her life in order, and care/teach her children.

What is necessary in a marriage to make polygamy "work"?

In order for such a marriage to really work one must have respect and understanding for her co-wife as well as love (i.e., respect)for her husband. Islam must be the pillar of the marriages, meaning that the husband must be fair and able to care for his wives equally. Also, it is important for the second wife to know her rights in the marriage because sometimes due to cultural practices (of the husband), he may inadvertently shun her from matters/things that rightfully belong to her (such as time spent, dowry, a marriage contract and other cultural belief systems that were traditional carried down from his ancestry).

How would you describe your relationship with your co-spouse?

My co-spouse and I relatively get along well because we have learned to mutually respect each other. I have also learned the emotional baggage and distress that comes along with a husband marrying another 'over' you. It is very trying and humiliating, and only Allah himself can give one the strength to endure such a plight. Because of this knowledge, it makes it easier to understand her moodiness and discontent, and I completely accept it as a part of the 'deal'. What are the things you love or like about polygyny? What are the challenges or things you don't like about it? I love polygyny because it allows me free time to read, study, teach my children, and keep a tidy home. While some of the challenges are sometimes experiencing jealousy (over the silliest things).

Would you agree if your husband wanted to take another - he can have up to four? Does he even need your permission?

I definitely would not condone my husband taking a third wife. This is largely based on the foundation of our relationship and why I am the second in the first place. Because I was originally first, polygyny was a convenience lent by Islam, that we took advantage of that would allow us to righteously reunite and he not neglect his responsibilities and active family. Allah is all knowing and knows best.

What was the reaction of your family to your marriage configuration?

Because my husband and I had a chance to successfully court, my family members got a chance to know him as a person, which made getting married to him fairly easy. My father to this day still has a stint against our union, but at this point carries no real weight. How do your children feel about it? My husband and I are raising our children as strong believers in Islam. Therefore they completely embrace the reality that their father has another wife. They call her taa~taa (which means auntie). I've taught them to respect her and her family as kin and to ALWAYS hold her in high regard regardless of what she and I may encounter. They love their brothers and my husband does a good job at keeping the balance and treating them equally. I would say that I don't believe my children feel 'slighted' at all because they live their lives knowing that we live for Allah, and not of this 'world' so in their little minds, our marital arrangement is no different than some of the others notable differences (i.e., hijab, and non-secularism).

If you had to do it all over again, would you change anything about being in a polygamous marriage?

Because I am a strong believer in Allah and which therefore believe that he is the best of planners and that nothing happens except it be his will (Al-Jabbar), I cannot rightfully say that I would do anything differently. In my particular situation, if I look back I would say that I should have followed my own heart and stepped out on faith over 20 years ago when my husband asked me to wed. Instead I followed the advice and guardianship of my father and chose against my own desire.